All sadness in our genes emerge as we share stories.
Most pain has been forgotten, but our souls know,
as they remember why we feel lost so many times.
In the old cathedral where I took you
a blanket of desperation is still lingering,
still to be felt, unknown by the living but felt.
But we move on, in life and passed the crucifix,
and alter what we leave behind, what will be found,
later, they will find love and laughter.
So shall we, although we need to look for it in unlikely places.
You make me laugh in front of the altar, o God,
I can’t take you anywhere really. The blanket moves gently.
And then the truth appears in absent words
that speak in silence of his coldest shoulders
and his indifference,
but say that real life so got in the way.
Apparently, now they are far apart,
real life is not her space these days.
She is just something on the internet.
He said he had not felt so well with someone,
so relaxed, that he had been without love many years.
It felt alright. It felt like home.
She stayed a week.
Watching herself she knows she is real life.
A woman, mother, human being and a friend. A widow.
And with all pain, this hurt is just one more.
She will survive, move on one day and love again.
Real life etcetera. Once more she learnt a thing or two,
like: don’t believe a lover with
bright pink slippers in his bedroom, when they are not his size.
For days after her new status as a widow
she did not look at her body, now going into celibacy,
she did not comb her hair, nor change her clothes,
for some of him – a faint odor only she knew, a memory of his last breath –
was still there, to be remembered, to fade slowly, melting with fragrances
of other people’s daily lives.
She had no time to think much about all this,
for things had to be arranged and dealt with, the coffin chosen.
But later, after the turmoil and the upset had calmed down,
she found time to look in the mirror and it came to her
she was a different woman now
in clothes he had never seen her in. In a time never to be his.
As day by day, with every eye blink, every sunrise,
life returned to her in useless opportunities and goals,
challenging her curiosity and vows,
she learnt to accept
that scents were new for her to enjoy. That her body
was moving on and that she was still herself.
Under leaves and small twigs the creature
lived long enough to see his offspring
but too short to meet other creatures
except the few he and his family would eat.
When he was dying, the creature
surrounded by three generations of creatures
He was the first of these creatures to do so.
The other creatures therefore did not understand him
but his words remained in their memory
and sixty generations later
a creature knew what he had meant
when his first and last words were:
“Life ain’t worth the aggravation.”
The questions grow in number as I age,
my fears increase, my doubts enlarge.
There is no wisdom I have found by now.
Of all the certainties I knew not one survived.
The rainbows come and go these days,
and you once told me I should chase them.
I promised I would try.
I do not even know you understand me anymore. Yet
once I thought our wavelength was the same.
There is so much I should not bother telling.
Of all the certainties the only one that shall remain
is that a rainbow feels like silk. Just go and touch it.
The question is not how it’s done. Nor to succeed.
I hope I got you chasing.
november gets at me,
eyes tired of the lamplight;
you’re not much better too.
wait with me until spring
and bed with me, closed curtains.
expect no more than warmth.
warm nothing more but me
and don’t give in to leaving.
november gets at us.
accept. let go. be tired.
condensated under hail
are our frosted windows.
I awake and the world starts all over
and everyday I am further from you
and I shall forget so much about us.
where does this leave the almost truth?
I shall remember so much about us.
everyday I shall be nearer to you.
I won’t awake and all will be over.
to be awake and asleep at the same time
to feel the presence of a loss
to have nothing but everything
to know all without knowing one fact.
I awake and the world starts all over
and further away I feel from myself
and closer I feel to my own.
so much lies forgotten in truth
whatever the mind seems fit to tell.
you are alright now
and we had a good time together.