My husband’s Dutch blogposting
The friendly surgeon was frank, I am no surgery material, the latest laparoscopy confirmed what previous examinations in Leeuwarden already had pointed at. There are too many cancer cells spreading to have a succesful surgery.
I shall go for chemotherapy, which can be done in Leeuwarden, in close connection with the Antoni van Leeuwenhoek hospital. Considering my general condition and the condition of my other organs, this could yield good results.
The diagnosing period is closed now. What follows, is called the “palliative treatment path”. I shall now have to find a balance between resting and improving my shape, between accepting and hope. To put it briefly: continuing life, in spite of the fact that there is less later than before.
Now this applies to everyone above a certain age, but not everyone is told as explicitly and crystal clearly as the one diagnosed with this form of cancer. For now, life still seems more than worthy of living. So we shall just do that.
I hope and expect I shall function on my present health level for a considerable time. With chemo and specific approach of my overall shape, there might even be an improvement.
Dear blog visitors, more people than I expected are visiting here. I appreciate that. It is possible to leave a comment, but not necessary.
There have been wonder years,
Lonely nights of hope,
There was a hint of paradise
Also a little hell to cope,
Dreams that stuck to life
And wishing wells to find,
Rainy days to leave behind and faces
That I can’t forget,
The losing and the luck
And all the things you did,
The roller coaster weeks
Of fears and little faith
And in the end maybe some false relief,
And so much grief
And the hardest bit
Will be waking up
I carry a grandchild up the stairs
On a darkened day,
A light so golden are her hairs
And my shoulders know the burden
Of all mothers and their heirs.
There is no difference between
The ones we are and those on-screen.
We love them all. The ones that live
And those unseen to us are there.
When we are gone, the ones we carried, live.
Life is a staircase, up we go
And all we carry as a burden,
As a love, a weight: they are a flow
That gets less heavier
Along the climb. As far we know.
Is there another option, so you asked.
We stood barefooted on the bedroom floor,
The wind was hauling through the bathroom door
Ajar, and rain was falling. It was not even six am.
It was appalling. The other option is to stay, I said.
We rather went right back to bed
And give the cold and dark a miss.
But ferries hardly ever wait for us
To get in somewhat of a travelling mood.
So there we stood, no other option left
Than to stick together, to get dressed and go
Into a future with no warranties. We felt bereft.
For every time you smiled, a butterfly will show
When that day has come, while many flowers bloom,
When our goodbyes are done and you move on and go.
When that day has come, may you remember all
The good days that you had before this very Fall
And may there be a thousand birds and some to guide you.
A million butterflies and more, may they surround
You on your voyage and beyond, while every flower blooms
For all the love you gave. When that day has come.
There is no word to call the bit
That we don’t know of one another:
The mind, the thoughts, the life unseen,
Unheard, the feelings.
Everything we guess about
and we don’t know off; pain.
The secret distance from the you to me
Seems shorter now the lights are dimmed,
And almost as in tune we breathe and talk and see.
The bit unknown, the private will, the smile
Behind the hand on which you rest your head,
There is no word to call it by its name and yet
It is what makes you you, me me.
No one the same.
I have not looked for it nor did I find
The reason why we live, or die, the kind
Of questions we are bound to ask. I won’t
Go into any details why I don’t
Want such intrusions targeting my mind.
But every now and then I hesitate:
Should I not care more of my kind of fate,
And mind. Can all those many priests be wrong
And have they been mistaken all along,
Is it too early to find out, or just too late?
I have not looked for it and didn’t mind
But recently I’m having doubts, the kind
You have when someone has a certain date
With death. The darkness felt as heavy weight,
We stand before eternity. Aligned.