My husband Toussaint is very ill now and he wrote the following:

“This posting might not remain here very long. Maybe I remove it tomorrow, or get up this night and remove these writings quickly.

A strange introduction? Certainly, hesitating so not to have to begin? Sure.
Acting interesting to capture readers? Certainly not, please move on browsing on the world-wide web. This is just a personal story, but it happens to be mine.

Why this long-winded introduction? Well because: this week I was told I am seriously ill. My stomach is being burdened with a rather rare form of cancer. With bad prognosis. I don’t want to go too much into details about the exact sort and diagnosis. Perhaps later, if I decide to keep on blogging. At any rates, my life has changed dramatically, as well as that of my family.

I am about to go into a period of goodbyes, limitations, getting worse and the end. I try not totally to let go of the little hope that is left (my limited medical knowledge and google don’t give me much hope). I do hope that some time will be given to me, to be active, as beloved one, father and grandfather. I am not ready by far to give that all up. The first hours of informing people, getting stuff at the physician’s, taking care of business, that has been done. Now it depends on whether or not I am able to live the live in the here and now. To not run for the future (if I could do that, I would probably have done so already) but also not to be petrified by fear for that same future.

This may sound brave and philosophical, but I wouldn’t know how to rephrase this as the emotional rollercoaster keeps going.
If I can give you some good advice: appreciate life and each other, it is gone before you know.

I now shall consult an old, sad friend. Symphony no 6 “Pathétique”by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky. Music which touches the essence of men to me. If you like to react to this, please do. I shall moderate everything, and might not publish everything.
For now, thank you for going with me in my story so far.”

For Toussaint, me and our family it will be a difficult time ahead.

Comments on: "Personally (translation of Persoonlijk by my husband Toussaint)" (35)

  1. I’m sorry to hear this, to read of your pain. You must have so many thoughts going on right now. I heed your words of advice and offer my prayers at this time.x

  2. You continue to be an inspiration to me, Ina, as you always have. Thinking of you,

  3. Toussaint, hello. I come to you through Ina’s blog. I feel I know you a little from her poems, I may be wrong. I have no words of wisdom, comfort or understanding, in fact I am struggling to find any words at all. I am only a man speaking to a man who is suddenly staring mortality face to face. As an artist and writer I have always nurtured my imagination but it has abandoned me now as I try to grasp your reality. You may question why I write to you at all. I write because, although we don’t know each other I feel a strong connection through Ina and also because I have been close to where you are now and escaped. I admire your courage in posting your words and music. At one time I composed many such posts in my head and heart and they still remain there for future use, there will come the time. I hear your advice and will try to live it and thank you for the reminder. I am honoured to have had this chance to meet you. Forgive my intimacy as a stranger but in this strange internet space I take your hand and hug you, man to man, human to human. My heart and thoughts are with you and your loved ones. May we meet again some day…

    • My husband was very moved by your words and he asked me to thank you, it means a lot to him. (and that counts for me too) These are difficult days, but we shall try to live them as well as possible. x

  4. Ina, you know already how much I am thinking about you and your husband, and all of your family. Words become totally insufficient but I am sending all the love and prayers that I can. And you are in my thoughts constantly. You are stronger and braver than you think, I think maybe we all are. Lots of love and hugs ❤️ Xxx

  5. Elaine Randall English said:

    To you Ina, and your dear husband…I send greetings of love and hope. One moment is really all that is granted us. Life is limited and we all come to the crossroads where one moves along one path alone. There is a comfort in the world that comes to us when we accept totally our human fate. I know that Toussaint can find it and I know you can too Ina. You are beautiful people, in intimate connection with the natural world. There is your source of being, there your solace. May the Good God I believe in bring you peace and acceptance.

  6. Sorry to hear of your husband’s illness. No amount of words shall sound adequate to the sense of hopelessness that corrodes sense of optimism which life can muster. But as long as life is there nothing is certain. I pray that in whichever case his memory shall be your comfort and it is not what can cancer touch. May you be a source of strength to him. Wees sterk, Ina best,

  7. I am so sorry to hear this, and sad that I cannot undo it or change it. I do wish for you as many beautiful things as possible in the future and the coming days.

  8. as a fellow grandfather, I can only offer that we have both been gifted with the fortunes of family – and nothing else matters

  9. I never know what to say. I shall think things for you both.

  10. Dear Toussaint,
    I come to you from being a friend of Ina’s and loving her beautiful poetry. Words truly can’t justify emotions and feelings when news like this is heard. I wish I could bring you a miracle; change things for the better. I can say that I have a little bit of understanding because we’re dealing with something similar, yet slow progressing to our daughter (23 yrs). It’s daunting, nonetheless. So my heart goes out to you and Ina and I will pray that you both stay strong through this. When we found out about my daughter’s illness, she developed the motto “living in the here and now.” So, you’re right. That’s all we can do. Make the most of each moment and don’t let fear of the future grip us so tightly. It’s easy to say, but we’re trying to live by these words, too, and I hope you and your lovely wife can do the same. I send many comforting hugs and an abundant of love to you both. xoxo ♥

    • Hi {{{Lauren }}}, my husband says thank you very much, he is (and I’m too) overwhelmed by so much kindness from people he has never met. That is really a comfort, for both of us, and I am so glad you are a friend. I’m so sorry about your daughter’s illness, hoping that she will keep up her wonderful spirit, and also for better times ahead. And indeed, living by the day is what we must do. Thank you very much and also the best for the future to come and much love to you and your family ❤ xxx

  11. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. Such a brave blog post. I wish you and your husband well.

  12. As your forever friend, Ina, I hold you both in my heart and prayers. XO ♥

    Thank you Toussaint for your brave and honest words … there is no doubt why you and Ina are together and so you will always be.

    • Hi Diane, thank you very much also for your friendship, so much to say but where to start. Thank you ❤ xxx My husband is very touched and says thank you too.

  13. Ina, thank you for sharing this very personal story. I’m sure this took courage for both you and your husband to talk about openly. I am thinking about you and praying for you and your family.

    • Hi Nico, my husband wrote this at night, thinking he would not publish, but he did, and it was a good thing. To say in his own words how he feels and what is going on, is what he needed to do. Thank you very much for your support.

  14. Toussaint you have been heard and your stoicism has been noted. Ina your pen may dissipate some grief. I don’t know what else to say.

  15. I’m so sorry to hear this and feel a bit guilty I didn’t know earlier. My thoughts are with you both at this very difficult time, Courage pours out of the post, and stoicism, but that does not make it any easier for you. Hugs

    • Hi {{{ Peter }}}, thank you very much. This is very hard to deal with, but we shall fight it as well as we can.

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